


lower and lower

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Claustrophobia, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Ignored Safeword, Implied Sexual Content, Loss of Trust, M/M, Multi, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Safeword Use, Separation Anxiety, Sort Of, Unus Annus, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27056674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Ethan has a panic attack when Mark pushes him into the freezer while they're doing the escape room video. The effects extend long after that moment.
Relationships: Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 47
Kudos: 597





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mightydeafeningmouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightydeafeningmouse/gifts).



> Based off [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9ExUUeOco0) (and if the link doesn't work, you know what happened)
> 
> Mightydeafeningmouse suggested, "Also, I love Ethan angst, and if you're looking for any ideas, I've always thought that moment in the escape room video where Mark shoves Eth into the freezer would be an amazing start to an anxiety attack angst fic" and I said, well if you insist but let's make it even more interesting :)
> 
> Fun fact: the escape room vid was the first Unus Annus video I watched so it was fun to revisit it as the channel comes to a close! Memento mori and all that, hope you're ready for the end
> 
> also there's no explicit content in this because I'm lazy and I don't like writing it, though it does deal with negotiating relationships that include sex as well as safewords

27:00:00:00

Ethan wanted it to be a fun time. Escape rooms are exactly the kind of opportunity they were hoping to get out of Unus Annus. Mark and Amy had also recently invited Ethan into their relationship and it all still seems so new and exciting. This is one of their first outings with the three of them since getting together. Ethan is starving for more experiences with them, for more time with them, for anything to make this dream feel like it’s actually his reality.

Despite all the darkness and the loud sounds and Mark’s gentle ribbing, Ethan’s having a good time. Escape rooms are supposed to be a little scary. It’s part of the fun. And it is fun until they open that freezer and it’s clear that one of them is going to have to climb down there.

“Do we have to get in that?” Ethan asks a second before there’s a thud from above them. His heart jumps and he flinches. “Fuck—” He gives a nervous laugh as it becomes clear that nothing else is going to happen. Not yet anyway. Not until someone climbs into that freezer.

“I’m gonna go through,” Mark begins. Okay, okay, great, Mark is going to get in that dark and cramped tunnel and Ethan can stay here with Amy and wait for him— “Unless you wanna go through?” And Ethan doesn’t like the way Mark’s voice lilts up at the end. Before Ethan can even start to protest, Mark contends, “Look, I’m too big to fit in that hole,” even though he’s definitely not.

Ethan’s voice goes high pitched and it’s a little for the bit and also not entirely a joke. “God, I don’t wanna—”

“I’m too thick,” Mark jokes, grinning, and Ethan knows he’s screwed. Mark wants him to be scared for good content, he knows it, and that means Mark’s not going to let it go. 

Ethan peers down into the freezer. “Fuck—”

Mark rolls his eyes. “You’re fine,” he says. Ethan winces at that but he tries to shrug it off. 

He knows logically that nothing bad will happen but… it’s so dark in there. And he would be alone. He only wanted to do this because Mark and Amy promised they would do it together. But when he glances up from the darkness, everyone is looking at him. 

Okay, okay, it’s going to be fine, relax—

Ethan climbs into the freezer and crouches down where the camera can get a good angle. Except there’s not really a good angle to get because the tunnel immediately bends out of sight. No sign of what’s at the end of it. 

“There’s no way.” Ethan can’t help the whine tripping out of his throat. He stands up, intending to get out, but Mark is blocking the way. “I’m afraid, Mark!”

“You were born for this!” Mark insists. He doesn’t budge.

“I can’t do it!” Ethan cries. His hands aren’t shaking as he holds the camera but they’re getting there.

“You’re so small.” 

Mark looks him up and down and normally Ethan might flirt a bit but they’re filming and he’s not really in the mood. Ethan should have known, once Mark thinks something will be a good bit for the video, he never changes his mind. It’s why Ethan didn’t get to touch Mark at all on camera for the first two months of Unus Annus.

Ethan takes a slow, deep breath and sinks back to his knees. The tunnel extends before him. The isolation is already pressing in on him.

“You can do this. I believe in you.” Mark’s voice doesn’t waver. Ethan almost trusts him until he keeps going. “Cause remember if you’re gonna face your death, why not in the dirtiest, tightest crawl space you can imagine.” 

Yeah, that’s where Ethan thought he might be going. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when Mark’s actually saying something nice or just leading into the next bit. When he asked Ethan out, Ethan was sure he was joking. Why else would they ever want Ethan like that? It wasn’t until Amy insisted that it was true, they both wanted him to join their relationship, that Ethan let himself start believing it. He still doesn’t quite believe it.

And no matter what, he doesn’t want to mess this up. Why would Mark and Amy ever give him a second chance if he did?

(What if he’s not worth a second chance?)

Ethan doesn’t say any of that. Instead all he says is, “Okay,” voice low and resigned. He doesn’t try to get out again. He shuffles a step forward.

“Hey, you ever hear the story about the guy who got stuck in a cave?” Mark asks. 

“I fucking hate you,” Ethan growls without bite. His spine tightens. His ribs feel like they’re shrinking. He knows he’s hesitating. “I fucking hate it,” he mutters.

“Shove him in there,” he hears Amy suggest.

Ethan’s whole body goes cold. He can’t explain it. He’s afraid but he’s not just scared of the dark. It’s deeper than that.

“Mark! No no no no, please do not do that—” Ethan puts a hand up on the freezer door so Mark can’t close it.

Amy suggested that. Amy suggested that he be shoved into a freezer alone and in the dark, which is bad enough, but she’s suggesting that Ethan be separated from them. They don’t need him. Of course they don’t. It was all a big fucking joke that Ethan bought into and they’re pushing him away as soon as they can, all for a good laugh. Amy isn’t asking Mark to get in because she wants to be with Mark and Ethan doesn’t know why he thought they would ever want to be with him.

Does it matter though? Does it matter if he’s never fully let in, if they’re always closer to each other, as long as he gets to be a small part of that? He should be grateful for what they gave him. And he is. He’s going to do it but he doesn’t want this door to close on top of him, a physical barrier between them, and suddenly it seems like the most important thing in the world.

“This is my safeword… uh, safeword,” Ethan scrambles for a way for Mark to realize that he’s serious. The words are clumsy as they slip out.

“That’s a bad safeword, man,” Mark chuckles.

Ethan’s heart sinks. Mark’s not going to listen to him. He’s going to do what Amy says and Amy doesn’t want Ethan here. And Ethan would never be the one to end the relationship between the three of them but for the first time, he’s scared of the concessions he’ll have to make to stay with them.

He can’t be here anymore. He’s not going to cry in front of them.

Ethan gets down and starts crawling. Mark closes the freezer door behind him and then it’s just him alone in this shrinking tunnel with only the camera there to witness the way he bites the skin of his wrist to muffle a pitiful sob.

He’s having trouble catching his breath. God, fuck.

He fumbles with the camera and turns off the recording. He doesn’t want anyone to know, not Mark, not Amy, not whoever ends up editing this video. If he spends 5 minutes squeezing his eyes shut again burning tears and swallowing his whimpers, no one has to know.

It’s going to be fine. He knows that his opinions don’t really matter to Mark and Amy but it still hurts to find out they’re not going to listen to him when he’s afraid. It’s such a small thing but it’s really not small at all.

He’s worried about what it’s going to mean for the three of them and their future. There are only so many things he’ll be able to compromise on before he breaks.

Ethan presses a hand over his mouth. His cheeks are wet. Breathe, breathe, breathe, please just fucking breathe—

“Fuck,” he curses, wiping away his tears. Deep inhale, hold, exhale. Ethan pulls himself together, steadies his hands, and turns the camera back on.

When he finally gets back to the porch door, he’s greeted by Mark smiling and saying, “What took you so long?”

Ethan just laughs and shrugs. He doesn’t bring it up again. It doesn’t matter.

-

The thing is, it does matter. Clearly it matters because Ethan’s still thinking about it even though he tries not to.

Mark and Amy are so sweet. Ethan loves them so much that sometimes he feels like he could burst with the feeling. What they have now is good. Great, even.

He shouldn’t be pushing them away. He should just be grateful. But he can’t… he just can’t take the next step with them.

-

“Morning, babe.” Mark kisses Ethan’s cheek as Ethan makes a cup of coffee. He hadn’t had the chance to make any at home before he came over for the day. They’re not filming for another few hours but Mark and Amy said he should come over early so they could spend a bit of time together.

“Morning,” Ethan says back, blushing. He’s still not used to Mark’s casual displays of affection. It’s leagues different than the way he is on camera but Ethan can’t complain. He likes off camera Mark a lot better.

“I’m gonna make pancakes.” Mark grabs a pan from the cupboard. 

“Wow, real wife material over here,” Ethan giggles. 

“You should see him in bed,” Amy jokes, having just wandered into the kitchen.

“Oh! Ha,” Ethan laughs, probably a little too loudly. “Maybe, uh, maybe another time.” For some reason, the thought makes him feel nauseous. 

Amy must hear something in his tone because her voice lowers in concern. “I didn’t mean to pressure you. Whenever you’re ready. We have no problem waiting as long as you need.”

Ethan’s gaze softens as he glances at her. “No, I know. Thanks. I know it was just a joke.”

It’s easy to convince himself it was all just a joke.

-

It’s just the three of them filming today. Ethan is pretty proud of what they did and after a little editing, the videos are probably going to come together in a fun way. His favorite part of the day so far though has been sitting down after everything was done and watching a movie with Mark and Amy.

“Why don’t you pick?” Amy offers and now they’re all sitting through Star Wars, much to Ethan’s delight.

He leans into Mark’s side, resting his head on his shoulder. His pinky is linked with Amy’s. The heat of the day is still lingering in the air as the sun sets, the last bit of orange light falling through the windows and picking up particles of dust in the air. The movie drones in the background, familiar and soothing. Even breathing feels like it will disturb the tranquility of this moment.

As the credits roll, Mark shifts next to him. His hand slips from Ethan’s side to his waist, finger barely dipping underneath Ethan’s waistband. “Why don’t you stay the night?” Mark murmurs.

Ethan sits up, abruptly untangling himself from Mark and Amy. “I actually have to go take care of Spencer,” he blurts out.

“Can’t Kathryn take care of him for the night?” Mark tilts his head. Ethan swallows. 

“Um, nope, I should— I should really be the one to do it. You know, how it is, ha. See you guys later.” Ethan turns sharply on his heel and all but flees the room.

He’s not ready. He doesn’t know when he will be.

-

After another long day of filming, Mark and Ethan fall into each other. Mark presses a needy kiss against Ethan’s mouth and Ethan doesn’t mind at all. He lets Mark push him against the couch cushions, not breaking the makeout session.

Amy watches them from the side. Ethan can feel the heat of her gaze burning into them.

Ethan’s hips twitch and he feels Mark smirk against his lips. Mark grinds down, his touch still light. Ethan holds back a groan. He doesn’t stop him but he feels that familiar unease making itself known, a cold prickling in his stomach.

Amy leans forward. “Maybe you should take off his shirt, Mark,” she whispers but it’s not really a suggestion.

Mark gets a hand on the hem of Ethan’s shirt and Ethan tenses. 

“Wait—”

Ethan doesn’t reach down to stop him though. They don’t have any safewords. Ethan guesses they don’t really need them for what they’re doing now but suddenly he wishes he had one. Maybe it would have helped last time.

He wonders if Mark will stop or if Mark will listen to Amy again.

Mark pauses. Ethan can’t breath. “What’s wrong?” Mark asks, eyes searching Ethan’s face.

Ethan’s gaze darts to Amy before landing back on Mark. “I’m— I’m just not ready yet,” he chokes out. 

Mark doesn’t move for a moment. His hands are still wrapped in Ethan’s shirt. Amy doesn’t say anything.

Ethan closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. If they want to keep going, he’ll go along with it. Because he wants to be with them. He’s not going to fight it and he just has to tell himself that’s not giving up.

There’s a hand on his shoulder.

Ethan’s eyes flutter open and Amy’s smiling down at him. She gives him a gentle squeeze. “That’s fine, Ethan. Thanks for telling us. I told you, whenever you’re ready.”

Mark gets off of him and helps him sit up. “You know you can always talk to us, man, especially about stuff like this.”

“I know,” Ethan agrees but he’s not sure he’s telling the truth.

-

“I feel like something’s on your mind,” Amy says over dinner late one night.

Ethan shakes his head. “It’s not important.” He puts down his fork. He’s starting to feel a bit sick.

“Ethan,” Mark starts. Ethan tenses, fingers digging into his biceps. “You know we would never pressure you but… is this related to the reason you don’t wanna go farther with us?” Ethan’s head whips up to look at him. He opens his mouth to protest but Mark beats him to it. “Don’t try to convince us you’re not avoiding it. We’ve dropped so many hints. Is there something else we need to know? Are we just going too fast?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck—

Ethan doesn’t know how to explain that they’re not going too fast. He’s just scared. He’s scared they won’t listen to him when he wants to stop. And rationally, he knows that fear isn’t really founded and whatever happened in that escape room happened weeks ago but he can’t shake the feeling. Mark and Amy have been together for years, what power does he have in this relationship?

Ethan stares at the ground. He can’t look at either of their faces.

“If I said… If I said I wanted a safeword…” He’s barely breathing. His already quiet voice gets even fainter. “Would that be okay?”

Ethan’s nails prick into his own skin as he sees Mark’s brow furrow out of the corner of his eye.

“Do you need a safeword?” he asks. Ethan can tell the question is genuine. Curious. Worried, even. But it still makes Ethan’s breath catch in his throat.

His eyes burn as he mumbles, “I… I guess not.”

“Mark,” Amy admonishes lightly, putting a hand on Mark’s arm before looking over at Ethan. “Of course you can have a safeword if you want one, Ethan. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.”

“Right, yeah,” Mark agrees. “I didn’t mean to say you can’t have one. Did we do something that makes you feel like you need one though?” 

They’re both staring at him. Ethan feels like he’s having a heat flash. He can hear his heart pounding in his ears. He doesn’t know if he can do this. 

“No,” he tries but the lie makes him want to throw up. “Yes. Maybe? It’s… It’s not a big deal.”

“Ethan.” Mark sounds disappointed. 

Ethan curls into himself. This was a bad idea. Why can’t he just be grateful that he gets to have Mark and Amy at all, in any way?

“If it’s bothering you, it’s a big deal,” Amy says. “Can you tell us what happened so we can make sure we don’t do it again?” Her hand is intertwined with Mark’s. Her knuckles are white.

Ethan takes a deep breath and then asks, “Will you listen to me? If I safeword out?”

“Yes,” Mark’s eyes go wide. Ethan sees his grip on Amy tighten. “Yes, of course we would. Ethan, we would never— Why would you think that we wouldn’t?”

The truth finally comes bubbling out. “Because you didn’t listen to me.” Ethan can hear the panic in his own voice but he can’t stop it. “You didn’t listen to me in that escape room! I was trying to tell you that I didn’t— I couldn’t— I didn’t want to go down there alone and you just shoved me in that freezer because Amy told you to! And I just— I just— I know you’re going to listen to Amy over me and that you think it’s funny when I’m scared and alone but if you don’t want me here, just tell me. Don’t drag me along like this because… because…” Ethan wipes at his eyes. Fuck, he didn’t mean to start crying. “Because I don’t know how many times I can tell you no before I just let you do whatever you want. And that scares me.” 

Ethan sniffles, throat thick. He waits for Mark or Amy to say something. Anything.

“I’m so sorry.” Ethan glances up. Amy’s crying and it feels like his heart is being ripped from his chest. “Ethan, I’m so sorry. I didn’t— I didn’t realize—”

“No, Amy, it’s okay. I know you didn’t— Oh, Ames…” Mark lets her go and Ethan wraps her up in a hug. He feels her shuddering against his body. His own hands tremble at her back.

“Mark,” Amy pleads, voice watery. She reaches out towards him. He comes forward and they make room for him in their embrace.

“I’m sorry, Ethan,” Mark murmurs. He presses a kiss into the side of Ethan’s head. “I had no idea. I hope you know that would never happen in our relationship, okay? I would never… I’ll always listen if you tell me to stop.”

“I know. I know,” Ethan admits. “Can… Can I still have a safeword though? A real one this time?”

“Of course you can. Of course,” Mark nods. He rubs circles on Ethan’s back.

Amy pulls back so she can look at Ethan’s face. “I hope you know how much we care about you,” she insists. “We want this to be an equal relationship. It doesn’t matter that me and Mark have been together longer. We both wanted you. We were so excited when you said yes. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I wouldn’t go back to what we had before. We love you, Ethan.”

“I love you guys too,” Ethan whispers. “And I trust you. Both of you. It’s just… It’s going to take me some time to be ready again,” he confesses. “I’m sorry.”

Mark shakes his head. “You don’t have to apologize. As long as you need. We’re just happy you’re here with us. That’s all we need.”

“Thank you.” The truth lifts a weight off of him that he didn’t even realize was there. Ethan pulls Mark into a kiss first, soft and sweet, and then Amy. “Just give me some time.”

-

A couple weeks pass. They try to go further. Ethan uses his safeword. Mark and Amy listen to him. It’s all okay. They don’t admonish him for using it, they don’t try to convince him to keep going. Mark just says, “Okay,” and goes to get Ethan’s clothes while Amy changes the subject to their next video. They watch a movie afterwards. Things are going to be okay.

-

A month after that, the moment feels right. And Ethan can wholeheartedly say it was worth the wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tick tock


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


End file.
